This post is sponsored by Children’s Mercy.
When a child loses a loved one, friend or family member, it can stop a family in its tracks. Many parents find themselves searching for the “right” words or worrying they’ll say or do the wrong thing. The truth is, there is no perfect response and no single path through grief. What helps most is steady support, honesty and patience as children move through loss in their own way and on their own timeline.
Grief often looks different in children than it does in adults, and it can change as they grow. Understanding what’s typical at different ages can help parents feel more grounded and confident as they support their child.
How grief can show up at different ages
Under 4
Young children, especially those under age 4, don’t yet understand that death is permanent. Their grief may show up through behavior rather than words. You might notice increased clinginess, sleep troubles, irritability or a return to earlier behaviors like thumb-sucking or separation anxiety. Children this age may ask the same questions over and over as they try to make sense of what has happened.
4 to 7
Children ages 4 to 7 may ask more questions but still see death as temporary or reversible. Some children may worry they caused the loss or explain it using “magical” thinking. Nightmares, changes in appetite, regression or acting out during play are all common responses.
School Age
School-age children and preteens generally have a more concrete understanding that death is final, though emotionally they may still wish it weren’t true. Grief at this stage can look like difficulty focusing, changes in sleep or eating, irritability, fear about their own health or safety and frequent questions about what happened or whether others are at risk.
Teens
Teens often understand death much like adults do, but that doesn’t make it easier. Adolescents may experience intense sadness, anger, denial or withdrawal from family. Some may prefer to talk with friends rather than parents, while others cope through risk-taking behaviors or shutting down emotionally. These responses can be alarming for parents but are often part of how teens process deep loss.
Talking about loss in an honest, age-appropriate way
Many parents worry about how much information to share. In general, it helps to be honest while keeping explanations simple and developmentally appropriate. Sharing the news sooner rather than later can prevent kids from hearing it unexpectedly from someone else.
Follow your child’s lead. Let them ask questions and answer what they’re asking—no more, no less. Too much information at once can feel overwhelming. Use clear language rather than euphemisms like “passed away,” which can be confusing or frightening for younger children who interpret words very literally.
It’s also OK to show some of your own emotions. Children learn how to grieve by watching the adults around them. Letting them see sadness, while also showing that feelings come and go, helps normalize their experience.
Everyday ways to support your child
There are small, steady things parents can do that often make a big difference:
- Offer comfort and affection when your child welcomes it, whether that’s a hug or quiet time together.
- Be patient with changes in mood or behavior and remember these shifts are often part of grief.
- Encourage activities your child enjoys, including movement, music, art or writing.
- Reassure them you are present and available, now and in the future.
Keeping regular routines also matters. Normal, predictable schedules help children feel safe and remind them that life continues, even while things feel heavy.
Some families find meaning in remembering the person who died. This might include sharing stories, looking at photos, drawing pictures or simply saying the loved one’s name out loud. Talking about them can send an important message: it’s OK to remember and it’s OK to miss them.
When to consider extra support
Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline, and healing has no deadline. However, if intense symptoms last longer than about 6 months or begin to significantly interfere with daily life, additional support may help. This might include ongoing sleep problems, persistent anxiety or sadness, withdrawal from friends, school refusal or talk of self-harm or substance use, especially in teenagers.
Reaching out to a school counselor, pediatric provider or mental health professional can provide guidance and reassurance for both children and parents.
Above all, remember there is no “right” way to grieve. Showing up, listening and offering steady love is often more than enough. Even when the path feels uncertain, your presence is one of the most powerful supports your child has.
Sabrina Ung, PhD is a psychologist at Children’s Mercy specializing in evidence-based care for youth with complex medical conditions and co-occurring mood, anxiety, attention and learning challenges.
Meaghan Flynn, PhD, is a clinical child psychologist specializing in outpatient therapy and assessment for children and adolescents with anxiety, depression, ADHD and other behavioral health concerns. She enjoys spending time with her cats, reading and exploring KC coffee shops.
If your child is struggling with big feelings after a loss, support is available. Learn more about Children’s Mercy’s developmental and behavioral health services at childrensmercy.org/dbhealth.
