Stupid Toys for Toddlers

My son’s second birthday is around the corner, and the question “what does he want for his birthday?” is ringing in my ears. The answer to that, of course, is:

• unlimited freedom (duh).
• for the cat to sit still long enough that he can properly hug him and poke his eyes out.
• a family-size package of string cheese, pre-opened, but not otherwise touched or broken.
• Sharpie markers.
• six puppies.

But, on a more tangible level — here are a few things I really don’t want you to buy my toddler.

Melissa & Doug Latches Board
Who invented this? It was obviously someone who’d never seen the back end of their toddler running out the front door into traffic after that joyous moment of figuring out how to unlock locks. Locks are meant to keep toddlers in places they need to be. I do not want my child unlocking, unlatching, or unbuckling anything that I have carefully locked, latched, or buckled. One Amazon reviewer notes, “realistically speaking – the latches featured here probably aren’t used in a safety capacity anyway.”  This is true – but as a parent of an almost-2 year old, I don’t want these concepts planted in his tiny brain until he’s at least a teenager. Thanks.

Bug Houses

I think this picture says it all, no? Who are Melissa and Doug, anyway? Because I’m pretty sure they don’t have kids.

(Yes, this is a real picture from my friend, Lauren; it came across my Facebook feed and was so horrifying that I immediately asked her if I could use it for this purpose.)

B. Toys Ballyhoo Ball
I admit – I bought this toy myself. He loves balls, I said! This will teach him fine motor skills, I said!

Ha.

What the reviews don’t  say is that the giant red ball is actually the toddler equivalent of a medicine ball – and that your toddler will inevitably hurl it at you, or the cat, or something breakable, and game over.

“Lift the Flap” Books
Might as well subtitle these suckers “Look and Find – Then, Buy More Scotch Tape” or “Lift the Flap and Rip it Off,” or something similar.

We have a sad little collection of discarded book pieces. Every time I see it, I say a silent prayer for the souls of those poor discarded cats and airplane wings and mittens and hope that Miss Pam, my childhood librarian, will have mercy on our souls.

Wooden Food
Because the only thing that hurts more than having a ball chucked at  you is getting hit with a wooden box of Cheez-Its with sharp corners – to say nothing of the glorious clatter it makes on hardwood floors. WAY more fun than a game of pretend cooking!

Also, an honorable mention to the Melissa & Doug Cutting Fruit Set, because LOL fake knives.

Disclaimer: I’m not a grinch — we have many, many toys in our house, including finger paint and loud plastic things that make noise and even several of the items on this list because hey, my kid enjoys them. I like toys!

Let’s hear it, moms: any others we should avoid?