Our four-year-old daughter, Madeline, is our rainbow baby. Our first born, our son, Joshua, was passed away 36 hours after he was born the year before his little sister. When we had Madeline, I can remember being afraid to put her down in the hospital. I held her all night. I held my breath as we passed that 36-hour mark as if that was somehow the “safe-zone.”
After we brought her home my anxiety didn’t stop. She slept better if I was holding her. She didn’t care for her bassinet and never would lay in her crib. We later found out that she had some acid reflux and laying flat was physically uncomfortable for her. I slept with her propped up in my arms at night. Making sure she was away from all pillows and blankets, but still elevated enough that she could sleep safely and comfortably.
When I went back to work at six weeks, my sleep-deprived-self was glad that she was sleeping in our bed. It made nursing in the middle of the night easier and allowed all of us to get more sleep.
I always thought she would be in her own bed eventually and for now, the extras snuggles were nice. I always joked that the crib in her room was the most unused item in our house.
Now it’s four years later, and she is still in our bed.
The bedtime battle is so fierce with her that most nights she won’t even fall asleep unless she is laying on me cuddle up close.
Two years ago for Christmas, we gave her a room makeover as part of her Christmas morning surprise. We swapped out the never-slept-in toddler bed/converted crib for a big girl bed. We traded out all of the sweet lavender, teal, and baby photos for bright pink and Minnie Mouse. We thought if she had a fun new room she would want to be in there more and would even be excited to sleep in her awesome pink bed.
Nope.
This is not for a lack of effort on our part. You name it, and short of just locking her in her room at night, we have tried it.
We tried tucking her in while still awake, but sleepy. We tried getting her to sleep and then carrying her to her bed. We have tried telling her she could earn a special toy or treat if she sleeps in her own room. Nothing works.
She gets excited about sleeping in her room when it is suggested. She has even asked us to tuck her in her bed at night and has closed her eyes and hugged us goodnight and then inevitably, within 15 minutes she is back up asking if she can still sleep with us because her room is too: cold, hot, scary, lonely, dark, or some other random excuse.
Now, full confession the main reason she is still in our room is me. I have wanted her there. Right next to me cuddled in close enough that when my anxiety wakes me up 27 times in the middle of the night I can lay my hand on her tummy or chest and feel the steady rise and fall of her breathing and know that she is safe. I realize that my own issues and fears have allowed her to be in our bed far past what is deemed “normal” to most families.
But now I think I am ready. While she is still a very tiny kid she has managed to take up more than her share of the bed. I find myself fighting for blankets, my pillow, and just any room to move at all. It’s time.
We prepped her on what was going to become her new routine. We told her that starting over the weekend (when the missed sleep we were sure to encounter would least affect work and school) she would be sleeping in her own bed. She would brush her teeth and get pajamas on, and then we would read her a book (or two), sing a song, say our prayers, check for monsters in the closets, and then kiss her goodnight and she would get to sleep in her big girl bed all by herself.
Surprisingly, that first night was easy. She was excited to sleep in her own bed and she actually slept the whole night through. It wasn’t until about a week in that we started having some difficulties. She begged me to stay and cuddle her all night. She cried for a drink of water, 73 more hugs, and are we sure we looked under the bed for monsters… We stayed strong. Well, we did give in with the extra hugs and we doubled checked both closet doors and under the bed – monster-free. But eventually, she always falls asleep. Most nights she does amazing and actually stays asleep and in her room until morning.
Occasionally I hear her little voice at 3 a.m. asking if she can come and cuddle with us. And you know what? I always tell her to come on in, because I know she is only this little once, and she most likely won’t still be asking to cuddle when she is 17.
For now, I’ll hold her tight and make sure she knows that all she has to do is call me, and I will always be right there.