Every mother has asked herself this question at one time or another. Being a mom is tough, whether you work full time outside the home or stay home with the kids, raising kids and doing a good enough job that they become decent human beings is no easy task. Some moms choose to work, others cut back on hours or decide to stay home once their little bambino arrives. Some moms are the sole providers in their family unit and don’t have a choice – they must work.
For me, the choice wasn’t so cut and dry. My husband and I both have decent jobs. We aren’t rich by any means but we own our own home, we’re able to pay our bills on time, and we don’t have any debt besides a mortgage and a car payment. I grew up with a stay-at-home mom and wanted more than anything to be able to stay home once I had children of my own. My mom was always there – she took us to school and was home at the end of the day. She took care of my brothers and I when we were sick and drove me to soccer practice. She was my room mom more times than I can count during elementary school. She never missed a school function.
I didn’t realize how important all of that was to me until I was pregnant and ready to become a first-time mom myself. My husband and I had numerous conversations about our income and expenses, the added cost of daycare, and how our spending would change once a baby was in the equation. I created crazy monthly spreadsheets to track our money each month. We cut back on eating out and frivolous spending. I tried to think of everything that would make it possible for me to stay home once the baby was born. In the end, it made more financial sense for me to keep working. I didn’t like it, but I knew it was best for my family. I spent the night before returning to work rocking my baby girl to sleep and sobbing – literally weeping – over the fact that I wouldn’t be spending my days with her.
My first day back to work was miserable. The worst. My tears flowed into my venti Starbucks coffee while I expressed my breast milk in an empty conference room, wishing time away so I could pick up my baby from daycare. My co-workers could tell I was having a rough time (the puffy eyes and running mascara probably didn’t help) and pretty much avoided my cubicle. When I picked up Gracyn that first afternoon, I had never been so happy. She gave me a smile, we rushed home, and I spent the rest of the evening breathing her in.
It got easier, of course, over the next few weeks as we settled into our new routine. I cried less and less (always a good thing) once I saw Gracyn was doing OK without her mama 24/7. I reminded myself that millions of other moms do the very same thing on a daily basis and they were OK, too.
Do I love my job? No. I don’t love it. Some women are lucky enough to truly love what they do and are excited to return to work after maternity leave. I admire those women, and it doesn’t make them any less of a mother for wanting to work. Do I hate my job? No. I don’t hate it. I’m actually very fortunate to work for a small, family-oriented company. While I am expected to be at work every day, I also know that if daycare closes or the baby gets sick, I’m able to take the time I need to take care of my family. I also know that some women aren’t as fortunate so I try to keep my complaining to a minimum.
My desire to be a stay-at-home mom is just as strong today as it was 21 months ago. We recently had to revisit the dreaded monthly budget to factor in daycare for a toddler and a newborn as we prepare to welcome another baby in December. This time, we switched cable providers, lowered our monthly car payment and revised our cell phone plan to save a little extra money. As much as it makes me sick to think of how much money we’ll be spending on daycare, continuing to work full-time is still best for our family.
Our circumstances may change in the future, and one day I might be the stay-at-home mom I wish to be for my kids. In the meantime, I’ll rely on our village to help raise our girls. My fellow contributors have written helpful posts on returning to work, finding reliable childcare and on being a daycare parent. All of which reminded me that my daughter is thriving whether I’m the one kissing all of her owies between the hours of 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. or not. The hours between 5 p.m. and bedtime, though? Filled to the brim with kisses, hugs, and giggles like we never skipped a beat. Usually a few tears and owies, too.
